Sleeplessness due primarily to self-righteous anger.
A smarter friend once said depression is anger turned inward. Is this state of mind (and full body assault) then depression turned outward? That final snap triggered to the unreasonable, irrational, illogical catharsis?
For years I’ve attempted to chronicle exactly this situation (with fictional twist) and even now I’m thwarted. I’m living it, I’m experiencing it, I’m watching so closely yet this is the point where writing gets hard. I don’t know what to say or what to write and as I try typing out these words, the ones you’re reading right here, the anger recedes from the overboil to a bare simmer.
And its in these unobserved moments I find that little bit of hope and optimism amid the swirling ugliness released. That I can do this. That I can make this work. That it will all be okay. That I will survive and thrive, and that one day I’ll look back on this and think “yep, that was the right move” – or think “yikes, screwed that one up” — but still I fight regardless of the regrets or affirmations.
So while I may have hit extreme burnout, and while this anger causes trouble and underconsidered or ill-advised action, tomorrow will be different. Starting tomorrow, it’s all mine.