Tag Archives: Loving Boyfriend

What To Do With Myself.

“you’re not sure that you love
but you’re not sure enough to let me go,
baby it ain’t fair to just keep me hangin’ round

you say you don’t want to hurt me,
don’t want to see my tears,
then why are you just standin’ here, watching me drown?

and it’s alright, i’ll be fine
don’t worry about this heart of mine
just take your love and hit the road
there’s nothing you can do or say
you’re gonna break my heart anyway,
just leave the pieces when you go.”

– The Wreckers “Leave the Pieces”

this was posted on 7/2/06, craigslist, DFW missed connections (i don’t know why i was browsing through the DFW MCs, ordinarily I stick to other cities, but still):

I was just looking through my camera. Still have the pictures from Halloween at Manseau’s, and you in your black dress, and in my red sunglasses. I don’t know what happened. You deserve better than I could ever give you. Maybe you were right. Good luck in the Midwest. Stay away from the bus station……trust me. I’m sure you’ll do great things. You already have.

And yes, I will always love you

……R

this is in or around Riverside

he always chronically overused the ellipsis. that’s how i know it’s him.

and despite all the negative, childish words and actions during our relationship, which i know happened, i can only remember the good things. save for one instance, in which i swore i wouldn’t forgive him. i’ve stuck to that promise (threat?) thus far. and though i read his post with the tone of a long-lost lover, i know that’s not how he wrote it. i still remember the pictures he took. the one of me in his red sunglasses marked a night i was so happy, “honored,” and you can see my trademark mischeviousness in my eyes. a trait that rarely came out during my tenure in boston. the one of me in my black cocktail dress was certainly a night to remember for both he and i. i didn’t want my picture taken, but he was so taken with me all dressed up to the nines. i still remember the look in his eyes that night. the one of halloween, who could forget the two of us in costume, less than an arm’s length apart all night, or our sudden but brief disappearance just around midnight. the pictures captured all those memories.

i know there are plenty who describe me as brazen, perpetually unsatisfied, and exacting to a bloody point. and they’re right. i’ve driven innumerable people mad with these qualities, and it takes a very special, very forgiving person to withstand such onslaught. i thought he was the one who could. instead he became someone who couldn’t. i sometimes wonder why, but why contemplate the trees when in the midst of a forest?

we never did properly say goodbye to one another, and as much as i’d like to believe this is his goodbye note to me, i know he’ll be back. i don’t know when or where or how or even why. call it intuition.

but the worst thing about this post is my own paranoia. he’s still in boston (i think, as much as i hope he’s back in texas – it’s where he belongs), still hanging out with his friends, who were, at one point, friends of mine – at least before i was stabbed so harshly in the back. i don’t want those people to know where i am, to know what i’m doing, to know anything about me anymore – absolutely nothing – so i can’t trust either myself or him enough to write much of a response for fear news will leak.

terrible, tragic, yet tempting. what would i give to make everything right between he and i? perhaps i’d give up my location in the world, especially since i know i can’t be found right now. off-the-map adventures are the best when trying to get away from the rest of the world for awhile.

but for a positive note: a look at my year’s resolutions:

1) I endeavor to run (at least) 1 mile (at least) 4 days a week
— The winter was difficult, but I’ve kept up with this resolution since mid-March, and most days, even make it more than a mile. The upsides are obvious – I weigh considerably less than I did through the winter, I feel better, and I have a little more confidence in myself, physically. The downside is that my back gets really tight, stiff, and on bad days, it’s unbearable.

2) Get a little more serious about having back surgery. Been putting it off for too long, it’s not good these days.
— No health insurance at the moment. Scary thought, huh?

3) Take a real vacation – I’m thinking sometime in February for a week, then again in late August for a week
— Took the February vacation to the Caribbean, and I’m planning another in late July/eary August. South Padre or a long drive up and down one of the coasts, hard to say which at this point. A real beach with real ocean is necessary though.

4) Grad school, or if that falls through, find a new job (with a new company?)
— Grad school – heading to law school, I think. I’ve got cold feet, and I spend a significant portion of time wondering if it’s the right decision for me.

5) My current reading list is insane. I won’t buy ANY new books until I finish at least 80% of what’s sitting on my desk.
— I’ve spent the summer reading. It’s glorious 🙂 And the Half Price Books is fantastic when I need a quick fix (and a good drive to sort out my mind).

6) More volunteer work
— Most of the volunteer work I’m doing is short-term at this point – I’ll either spend a few hours to a weekend helping with community projects and such.

7) Activate the batphone and put some feelers out in my network of friends, co-workers, employers, etc. Time to get serious.
— I’ve started to (slowly) reconnect with people I thought I’d never talk to again, which is both weird and well-received thus far. Though the number one thing I hear from people is “you’re going to law school? huh – I never saw you as a lawyer. You’d be a much better doctor.” Needless to say, this comment is contributing to my stress about my decision. At this point I’m only $200 in the hole, I can still back out. I don’t know if I can will myself to do it though, even if I’ve made a “not good” decision about attending law school.

i just don’t know what to do with myself. at least some days.